


+1

by von_gelmini



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: A Type Of Cheating, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alcoholic Tony Stark, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Arguing, Break Up Talk, Cheating By Dating, College Student Peter Parker, Established Relationship, First Dates, Heavy Angst, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Past Abusive Steve Rogers/Tony Stark, Peter Parker Has Issues, Relationship Problems, Tony Stark Has Issues, Underage only because there's discussion about, them getting together when Peter was 17 (legal age in NY)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-17
Updated: 2020-01-17
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:21:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22294744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/von_gelmini/pseuds/von_gelmini
Summary: “I hate telling you this, but you’re both too stubborn. You’re so alike in the good ways, but you’re alike in all the bad ways too. You fixed your mind on one thing, he fixed his on another and neither of you brilliant, genius, scientists tried to find a solution. You just planted your feet on the ground and opened fire.” Happy looked directly at Peter. “Both of you.”
Relationships: Peter Parker/Tony Stark
Comments: 14
Kudos: 104





	+1

Peter wasn’t ready to come out. Oh, everyone knew he was gay. They’d known that since he and MJ discovered it back in high school. They dated and found out that the moment things were ready to progress beyond kissing? Both gay as fuck. 

What Peter wasn’t ready to come out about was the fact that he was Tony Stark’s boyfriend. Had been since his seventeenth birthday. He looked the age up and made his move. And Tony didn’t move away. Stark Tower was so much closer to Midtown Tech and then eventually to Columbia. It had all those empty guest rooms, a fully equipped lab that could help him with his coursework, plus Tony had been rattling alone in there since he and Pepper divorced. He was able to convince May of the practicality of moving into one of those guest rooms, even though he was still just seventeen. He would learn more and be safer because Tony was his mentor in science and superhero-ing. 

And that’s all Peter was willing to let the world know. Not that the guest room was never used as more than a storage place for his junk. He spent every night in Tony’s ridiculously huge bed.

Tony understood. The morning after their first time Peter told him that he wasn’t prepared for the media madhouse that would come from 1) being Tony Stark’s boyfriend, 2) being Tony Stark’s still illegal in at least a third of the states’ lover, and 3) being the poor boyfriend of a billionaire who would be called a golddigger. The man thought it showed great restraint, maturity, and insight on Peter’s part to recognize those things.

Tony was growing more restless with the decision after he and Peter had been together for two years. And Peter was running out of excuses. 

“I’ve dated nineteen year olds before when I was thirty-eight. Me having a barely legal lover is nothing new,” Tony said casually one night while they were working.

“Yeah, but I’ve never been anyone’s barely legal lover. Sure, I’m nineteen and no one’s going to be crying ‘statutory rape’. But I’d still be seen as a golddigger.”

“Pete, I have an entire floor of this building devoted to handling PR. They’re some of the best in the business. It wouldn’t be an issue.”

“There’s no way they could spin this.” Thankfully Tony let it drop.

But he wasn’t happy about it. He wasn’t happy about having to keep a ‘fatherly’ distance during what he wanted to be romantic dates. He didn’t want to be worrying about that ‘fatherly’ distance when he took Peter to Paris. He wanted to kiss him on the top of the Eiffel Tower like Peter had wanted to kiss MJ. Not just stand there two feet away unable to even hold his hand.

In truth, Peter wanted that too. He told Tony after each incident, when the man was trying not to sulk, that if they were a normal couple he wouldn’t give a damn about the age gap. The age gap wasn’t Peter’s problem with coming out. It was the public scrutiny and the muck raking that would occur. He was afraid of it still. When he graduated, then he would be ready to come out. He promised Tony that.

One of the unfortunate consequences of Peter’s decision was that when Tony had to attend a gala or opening night or any public function, he had to do so alone, stay that way after, without any flirting during. It made Tony lonely, miserable and surly at the event. When he got home to Peter after, he was usually so drunk he could barely walk. Which, despite it being his own fault, was not fun to deal with and it hurt Peter to see Tony fall into his self destructive behavior, even if it was only at events he should’ve taken a +1 to. The way Tony handled himself was bad for his image. Which was bad for the company’s image. 

Pepper knew about Tony and Peter’s relationship. She approved wholeheartedly. Tony was happier than she’d ever seen him when she visited them at the penthouse. And Tony was more miserable than she’d seen him in over a decade whenever he was out in public with Peter. But the fact was, that Tony needed to start taking _someone_ to the public events where he was not just Tony Stark, but Tony Stark the face of Stark Industries.

Tony’s reaction was a shrug. As long as Pepper wasn’t demanding that he go home with them after or kiss them during, he was fine with it. A little conversation, dinner, dancing, that he could do. And if he took someone different each time, there would be no ‘is Tony Stark dating…’ questions.

Peter was less than thrilled. But it was his fault. He had caught Tony in a predicament between Peter’s desire to stay away from the limelight and the needs of Stark Industries. He wasn’t sure that Tony’s drinking would stop just because he had a stranger on his arm. A stranger on his arm mixed with Tony being drunk… Peter knew that things would not be as innocent as sober!Tony thought they would. Drunk!Tony had no filter or judgment and a lifetime of bad habits to fall back into. He doubted that it would be long before Tony found himself in someone else’s bed… and have absolutely no idea how he got there.

Knowing that took _some_ of the anger out of the possibility of Tony cheating. If he was blind ass drunk and unable to make decisions, was it really cheating? Even if logically it wasn’t, Peter knew that it would still hurt. He came up with a suggestion.

“Don’t some people take a social secretary to these events? I read about that.”

Pepper pursed her lips, considering it. “It’s more common to old money, but yes, they do.”

Peter smiled. “I could be Tony’s social secretary.”

Tony rolled his eyes. “I don’t need a babysitter. I’ve been handling myself at parties since I was younger than you,” he said.

He almost winced at the tone, but kept his calm to bolster his proposal. “That’s not why I want to go, Tony. I know that you’d much rather have me on your arm.” He smiled softly and went from calm to tender. “And I’d much rather be there. The thing is… I’ve never done anything like this before. I’ve never even been to one of these things before. I haven’t even _watched_ one of these things on TV. I’d look like a complete idiot if I went with you Saturday. I have no idea about etiquette or how to socialize and make small talk. I don’t even know how to dress myself for one of these things. There is absolutely no way that I wouldn’t embarrass you, Stark, and myself. And worse, it wouldn’t only be Saturday night, it would be in the papers all next week.”

“Peter does have a point,” Pepper said. “It’s a skill. You were practically born with it. The rest of us had to learn. Why do you think they still have etiquette schools that people of all ages go to?”

Tony sighed. “All right. But absolutely no babysitting.” He looked at Peter a little harshly. “You’re my secretary, not my date. That puts you in an entirely different relationship to me. At least in public.”

 _And it’s going to make things… not hell, but maybe purgatory… at least until Sunday night or Monday, depending on how long it took Tony to get over his sulk. But it’s my own fault,_ Peter thought. Though his own resentment boiled too. The reasons he gave were entirely valid. Tony would just rather he embarrass himself in order to get what he wants. Delay of gratification was an unknown concept to Tony.

Saturday, while Tony dressed in his tuxedo, Peter wore a suit, like he wore when they ate someplace nice, as mentor and mentee. But this was an obvious difference in class. Tony was a guest. In this case, not only a guest but the speaker. Peter was just an employee. Tony started treating him that way hours before he had to leave. Peter wasn’t sure if he was doing it to teach him to the role, or if he was finding a way to take the situation out on him. To keep the peace, he told himself it was the former and that it was nice of Tony to help him adjust to what it was going to be like that night.

They arrived in separate cars at separate times. Peter’s a rental so it wouldn’t have a Stark numbered license plate. Tony was fashionably late with a beautiful woman in the passenger seat. Peter was there early and alone. He had a portfolio that he’d been studying for the past few days. Learning the guests and their mini-biographies. Ranking them in order of social standing, political influence, and direct influence to Stark. He was to make sure that Tony mingled with the right ones and didn’t get hung up talking to someone too long that he missed paying attention to someone else. He had a copy of Tony’s speech. He made sure that the teleprompter was correct and everything was set up at the podium. Peter worked. Tony partied.

He was totally unprepared for how much actual, literal _work_ was involved. Peter figured that he’d stand along the wall and pretend to look at his folder and otherwise observe the event from the sidelines. He did get to observe, but between bouts of running around doing his job. Which was the first time he’d ever worked, he realized. The first internship was a sham and then it became an excuse to help Tony out in the lab (and to flirt before he should’ve.) Then he started at Columbia. He was constantly busy, but it wasn’t _work_. He’d have to remember to ask Tony… no, Pepper would be the more diplomatic option… for a paycheck. 

He smiled to himself at the idea of actually working for a living, as he was preparing to direct Tony away from the bar where he’d been talking to a junior Senator from New Jersey. But then he heard the giggle. Peter was in love with Tony’s giggles. They were utterly incongruous to the image he projected, yet he was utterly unable to control when they came out. When he looked in the direction of the sound, he was considerably less in love with it. 

Tony was well on his way from buzzed to drunk. He expected that. The man could function and seem entirely normal to people who didn’t know him. He didn’t start getting cringe-worthy until he damn near emptied a bottle. He wasn’t there yet. But he was loose enough to be indulging his date of the evening in seductively draping herself over him. She whispered in his ear. Peter couldn’t quite see it from where he was standing, but it looked like she gave it a nibble. Which brought a half-giggle/half-laugh from Tony and he bent his head to whisper something in her ear. Most social secretaries used earpieces. Peter’s was send only. He could tell Tony something but he couldn’t hear what Tony, or anyone with him, was saying. Peter was trying to direct Tony to his next mix and mingle person, but he was ignoring him in favor of the blonde who was practically _pouring_ herself over him.

Employees were to stay discreetly in the background. Along walls, near service areas, anywhere but the central portion of the room where the actually important people were. Peter couldn’t do anything but watch as Tony and his date flirted shamelessly in front of him. He couldn’t do anything when, after a couple more drinks, Tony’s hand slipped down to her ass while they danced. She beamed up at him while Tony gave his speech. He caught her eye and gave her a confident little smirk. And when Tony was finished with the night, after several more drinks, he led her to his car. Peter hoped that by the time he got home, Tony would either be at the penthouse alone, or that he would arrive in a reasonable amount of time, not smelling like her in places he shouldn’t.

Tony was home before him, in the dressing room, just starting to get undressed. “God could you have been any more obvious?” he snapped. “I felt like I was under a microscope all night. A judgmental, pissed off, jealous microscope.” He pulled on his bow tie and tossed it in the direction of the hamper. He missed. He never missed unless he was _very_ drunk. “This is your own damn fault.”

“My fault you couldn’t keep your hand off her ass? Oh yes, Tony. That’s entirely my damn fault,” Peter sniped back as he undressed. _He_ didn’t miss the hamper.

“Yeah, well, I’d rather it be your ass, but you only want to keep me on tap to fuck that ass. Anything else is just _too much_ for you. You knew who I was before you parked that ass in my bed. At seventeen, I understood. But when you turned eighteen? Any eighteen year old as smart as you should’ve known what being with me meant.” 

Tony pulled on a clean pair of boxers. “Tony Stark was out of service to you as a date, by your decision, this evening. Tony Stark is out of service to you as a fuck, by my decision, this night,” he said, lying down on the far edge of his side of the bed.

Each time was worse. Tony became more flirtatious, bolder, drunker. When they got home, the arguments began fiercer. 

“I’m not a social secretary. I’m too busy keeping you from getting blackout drunk and forgetting I exist so you can go home to fuck her after you grope your date in public. I’m not learning one damn thing that I need to.”

“God Peter would you just shut the fuck up! You had two years to adjust to my life. If you wanted to know how to behave properly in it, Pepper mentioned that there are schools for that. Or instead of telling me a bunch of bullshit about not wanting to tell anyone about our relationship,” he barked a bitter laugh at the word, “you could’ve just fucking _asked_ me.” He paused and when he next spoke, his voice was full of hurt. “I’m getting really tired of you wanting me but not wanting me. I’ve had that before. I didn’t think I’d have it with you.” 

Peter was too angry to hear what Tony said. He was curled up in a separate thick duvet on his own side of the bed.

Tony started accepting invitations to easily avoidable events just to keep the fight going. He stopped having much of any kind of reaction to whatever Peter’s return arguments were. Even when he cried from Tony’s yelling at him, the man just went to bed and ignored it. 

The next event was one Peter would’ve died to have gone to. But he was a paid employee of Stark Industries. He did not get an invitation to the fundraiser for the Hayden Planetarium. He would not be meeting any of the scientists there and he most certainly wouldn’t be meeting Neil deGrasse Tyson. 

But no disappointment could compare to his utter shock when Tony got out of the Audi with his date. Cameras clicked furiously as Tony walked up the red carpet with a taller, handsome, well built blond man on his arm. Tony Stark was known to be bi, he never hid that fact. While he primarily dated women, he’d been seen on dates with men, casually in public with men. He’d never brought a man to a gala.

Peter, from his position against the wall near the service door, went rigid, made his face a complete blank. He had to do that very deliberately. To keep from running out of the ballroom in tears, like Cinderella. He was Tony Stark’s social secretary and he had a job to do. Tony took his signals, mingling with the crowd, his date by his side. He carried the same glass of champagne around with him, unfinished, for nearly a half hour. Then he put it on a waiter’s tray, unfinished, and took a fresh one that was simply a prop for him to carry. When they danced, the blond man led, his hand just a little too low on Tony’s back, yet still discreet and socially acceptable. When they mingled, Tony’s date seemed to handle the small talk well. The people Tony and he talked to laughed in the right amount, spoke in the right amount, and behaved friendly, again, in the right amount.

Other than the increased media focus, which Tony didn’t avoid like he usually did, no one made any fuss over the fact that Tony Stark was at a gala with another man. After the presentations were over and the guests were once again dancing and mingling, Peter watched as the blond man bent down while they were dancing and whispered in his ear. Tony laughed. When they sat at the table, Tony’s date reached over and ran his fingers along the back of Tony’s head, through his hair and gave it a tug. Peter didn’t know what happened after that. He left through the service entrance.

He wasn’t comfortable going back to May’s. She and Happy were dating and Happy often spent the night. He had the credit card that his salary was deposited to. He checked into the nearest hotel. He powered off his phone and cried his eyes out. The blond man, a man clearly more socially acceptable than he ever would be, was also clearly Tony’s ex.

The position of social secretary that he’d had for the past two months paid well. And working for who he did, gave him good experience. Even if Tony decided not to give him a reference, he was pretty sure Pepper would. Tomorrow he’d start looking for an apartment and a new rich bastard navigate a social event for. One he wasn’t in love with.

When he woke up, he waited until twelve thirty to text Tony. He never got up before noon after an event, whether he attended solo or with a date. He sat on the edge of the bed and made himself the rigid statue he’d been last night in order to face the text he had to write.

 **_Good afternoon, Mr. Stark. I’m sorry to have to leave your employ on short notice. I hope you’ll still give me a good reference despite that. Could you have Mr. Hogan deliver my belongings to_ **

Peter picked up a hotel brochure off the nightstand. He typed the name in. He hadn’t even bothered to notice what the name of the place was when he checked in last night. 

**_If that’s not satisfactory, please tell me a time when you won’t be there so I can pick them up. I’ll either give Mr. Hogan the things of yours I have, and the passkey to the Tower, or I’ll leave them at your home._ **

Task done, his body slumped and the tears started again.

Tony’s ringtone went off on his phone. He let it go to voicemail. It was one thing to text Tony, it was another to have to listen to his voice… no matter what he had to say. His text tone came soon after. Peter ignored that as well. 

He was willing to take the blame for some of the situation himself. But not all. Not one single bit of last night. _He_ should’ve been the first man who Tony appeared in public with. If he’d brought a woman, Peter would’ve finished working and gone home. They would’ve argued for the night, then woken up and gone back to their life without mentioning it, until the next time. But a man? There was nothing Tony could say to mend an insult that large. No amount of ‘I love you’ could disprove the fact that he didn’t. Or if he did love him, he didn’t respect him.

At seven, an afternoon’s worth of texts and voicemails ignored, someone knocked on his door. Disheveled, still in his suit from the night before, his face puffy and his eyes red from almost non-stop crying, he opened the door. Happy was standing there.

“You can have the bellman bring my things up here. Thanks.”

“Peter, Tony didn’t send your things, he sent me to bring you home.”

“I don’t have a home. I have a hotel room until I can find an apartment to rent,” he said, his voice a flat drone.

“He wants to talk to you,” Happy said.

Peter started crying again. “What could he possibly say? He took one of his exes as his first male date to a public event. What…” He started sobbing.

Happy put his arms around Peter and led him back into the room, shutting the door. They sat at the table.

“Peter, Tony doesn’t love Steve. Their relationship lasted two months and was a total disaster. Steve beat the crap out of Tony,” Happy explained. 

“Oh great. He insults me with the ex he hates the most _and_ who abused him. Knowing that makes it _so_ much better.”

“You know how he gets.” 

“He turns into a little bitch when he doesn’t get his way,” Peter said with bitter anger. “And he doesn’t give a fuck who he hurts when he does.”

“He was probably drunk.”

“He was stone cold sober, Happy. I’ve seen him drink more wine over dinner than he drank last night. He was not drunk. Even if he had been, he had to have been sober when he set up the date.” God he hated that he kept falling into tears. He said what he’d been thinking earlier. “Even if Tony loves me, he doesn’t _respect_ me. How can I go back to that?” 

Tears turned into wracking sobs. Happy moved his chair closer, and hugged Peter. “Come home to May’s. Your room is still there.”

“I have enough to rent a place. And if Tony or Pepper will give me a reference, I can look for another job as a social secretary. And I’ll finish college… whenever.” He stood up and went to the nightstand, taking the rental car keys, the passkey to the Tower, the black card Tony gave him, and he unbuckled his watch. He put them in a pile in his hand and set them in front of Happy. “These are his.”

“Peter, I know he hurt you. But you two were good together. Until this business started, you got along fine. He’s as upset as you are.”

“He shouldn’t have done it then. And no, we didn’t get along fine. He didn’t argue with me, but I knew he was pissed off every time we went out together. He never gave a damn about how scared I was. I love him, Happy. I’ll probably love him for the rest of my life. But…” Happy hugged him through another bout of tears.

“Tony loves you too, Pete. And he respects you. It’s like you said, he,” Happy smiled wanly, “turns into a little bitch and doesn’t stop to think about what he’s doing. Then once he starts doing it, he escalates it and makes it worse. But I’ve never seen him in love like this, since he’s been with you. I thought it was Pepper. But…” Happy shook his head. “It wasn’t. It’s you.”

“Why’d he hurt me then? Like _that_ of all ways. I’d’ve rather he hit me.”

“I hate telling you this, but you’re both too stubborn. You’re so alike in the good ways, but you’re alike in all the bad ways too. You fixed your mind on one thing, he fixed his on another and neither of you brilliant, genius, scientists tried to find a solution. You just planted your feet on the ground and opened fire.” Happy looked directly at Peter. “Both of you.”

“Yeah, but I didn’t hurt him.”

Happy cocked an eyebrow. “In over two years, as close as you are, I’m sure he’s told you things about himself that very few people know. Are you _sure_ you didn’t hurt him? Think about how what you were doing looked to him. I know you weren’t doing it to deliberately hurt him, not like he took Steve last night to deliberately hurt you. But…” Happy shrugged. “The result’s the same.”

Happy stood and patted Peter’s shoulder. “When you’re ready to come home, call and I’ll come get you.”

After Happy left, Peter went to bed and thought about what Happy said. How what he was doing must have felt to Tony. He never considered that the entire time. Tony was willing to wait until he turned eighteen. That was reasonable. At seventeen, even though it was legal in New York, it would look illegal across the country. Waiting was necessary. But after? 

Peter didn’t do it for that reason, but he could see how it would feel like Tony said it after his first night on the job. Like he wanted Tony’s cock but nothing else of him. The same way his father wanted Tony’s brain but nothing else of him. The same way his friends wanted his money but nothing else of him. They had all been ashamed of him. So even though Peter didn’t want to go out in public because he was afraid, Tony saw it as Peter being ashamed to be his boyfriend.

Happy was right, but they needed to talk. And Peter needed another night to cry. Because it wasn’t just a man Tony brought last night. It wasn’t just the ex he hated the most. He was willing to let a man who beat him touch him again, just to hurt Peter. He knew that in some twisted way, Tony saw it as something romantic, proclaiming that he loved Peter so much that he’d put himself through that. But all the entire fiasco of the past two months did was hurt him. And set him up for hurt in the future. He’d never be known as Tony Stark’s brilliant, genius, college student boyfriend to any of those glamorous society people. He’d be known as Tony Stark’s social climbing social secretary.

Before he fell asleep, he texted Happy to come pick him up at check out time and to tell Tony that he’d be there soon after. He wasn’t agreeing to stay yet. They needed to talk.

When Peter stepped out of the elevator, Tony was there to meet him. FRIDAY probably told him he was on his way up. He looked about as bad as Peter did. He stepped forward, to hug, to kiss, Peter didn’t know. Peter stepped back. “We need to talk, Tony.”

“That never ends well,” Tony muttered, heading into the living room, sitting on the end of the sofa that was his when they watched movies together.

Peter took the other end. “I said _talk._ Not that any decision had been made. Unless you don’t want to talk, then you’ve made one.”

Tony kept his mouth shut and simply nodded. Wise, since Peter knew his inability to resist verbal sparring, which usually wound up making something worse.

“Tony, I had no idea that I could be hurt that badly. What you did was bad enough, then what Happy told me… That didn’t make it better like I guess you thought it would. It made it worse.”

Tony still sat in silence. Was he listening or just waiting for his turn to talk? Peter supposed it was a positive that his tears waited until now to start instead of starting the minute he stepped out of the elevator and saw Tony. 

“I don’t even have words for how badly you hurt me last night.” Tony looked like he was about ready to speak. “Please don’t say how this was all my fault. Some of it was. But I didn’t make you hunt down your ex. That you hadn’t talked to in five years. Who treated you like shit. Beat you half to death when he left you. Despite all that, you were willing to make doe eyes at him just to hurt me. _That_ wasn’t my fault, Tony.” Peter looked over at Tony sympathetically as he wiped his eyes. “Did he hurt you again?”

Tony shook his head slightly. “That’s why I stayed sober,” he said quietly.

“His face is plastered all over the society pages today. Cozied up to you. Identified as the first man that Tony Stark took to a gala. Speculating on if you are in a relationship with him. All to… hurt me.” He swallowed hard. “Do you really hate me that much?” he whispered. 

“I don’t hate you, Peter.”

“I don’t understand.”

Tony closed his eyes and took a shuddering sigh. “I don’t hate you. I love you. But I _did_ want to hurt you.”

Peter snorted. “At least you’re honest about it.” He looked at his hands and picked at a nail. “I know that what I’ve been doing hurt you. But the difference is, I didn’t _want_ to hurt you. I was scared. I never set out to hurt you.”

It was a long silence before Tony said, his voice quiet, “But you did.”

“I know. And since I hurt you, you had to hurt me worse by a factor of a least a hundred. Tony Stark always has to win.”

“Where is the winner in this room?” Tony asked with none of the sarcasm that the words seemed to imply. “I only see two hurt people, one of which… has been repeatedly told that he is addicted to deliberately and consciously causing himself pain.”

“Why?” Peter asked.

Another long silence stretched. “It hurts less when you hurt yourself than when someone else does it.” He couldn’t look at Peter. “What I did to myself last night with Steve didn’t hurt me half as much as what you’ve been doing for almost two years. He stopped being able to hurt me when I finished cleaning myself up after he left.” Tony stared at a spot on the wall across the room. “Even before that, I never loved him. We were nothing more than a fling gone horribly, horribly wrong.” There were things he never admitted to anyone before. What happened when he dated Steve Rogers was chief amongst them. But he fucked things up so spectacularly. Peter was owed an explanation. And a truth. “I don’t think I’ve ever really been in love until I fell in love with you.”

“When we first got together, I convinced myself that because I love you, none of this would matter. The world you live in,” Peter said. “But when I moved in, and was around it 24/7, little else _did_ matter. It was _everywhere._ How much, even here at home, I didn’t fit in.” He paused. “Steve looked like he fit in.”

Tony scoffed bitterly. “Steve might know what fork to use, but only because I insisted he do it when we were out in public together. Believe me, I paid for that when we got home. I seem to have a penchant for picking up poor, resentful guys from the other side of the East River and having them only take an interest in me sexually.”

Peter winced. Tony’s words stung. But he could see how the man took things that way. Steve used him, his friends used him, his family used him. He hoped Peter wasn’t using him, but his stubbornness made Tony think that he was no different than any of the rest of them. “Tony, that isn’t true. I love you.” He paused and blinked back tears. “Even after what you did, I still love you.

“I wasn’t… _resentful…_ but I was so mad at you for the way you lived. Yes, I know that’s ridiculous. I didn’t fit and instead of doing something to fix that, I blamed you. Which is completely stupid. But I saw all of this,” he waved his hand to take in the penthouse and everything that living with a billionaire entailed, “and even though I knew that you’re wealthy and way out of my class, I didn’t think your life would be much different from mine. Just the same, only you didn’t have to worry about balancing the rent _and_ the bills _and_ eating for the month. All this? It’s just inconceivable. All I did with this social secretary thing was make everything worse,” Peter said, sighing. “Worse for you, worse for us, worse for myself.”

“Worse for you?”

“No one will ever see me as anything other than your social climbing social secretary looking for a meal ticket from his former boss. Before, I would’ve been your former mentee, a college student you respected as your intellectual equal. Some would’ve called me a golddigger, but no one would’ve thought I was just a stupid secretary.” He paused. “I know that part is entirely my fault. I felt so…,” Peter blinked slowly, “inferior. Even asking you what to do… that just proved it. Smart enough to learn differential equations, not smart enough to learn how to behave myself socially.”

“Peter, I only wanted to have you in my life. In _all_ of my life. I wasn’t trying to make you feel self-conscious for what you didn’t know. Because…,” Tony took a deep breath to steady himself, “…I love you so much. I wanted everyone to see how brilliant and beautiful you are. And that you are… I guess you’re not anymore… that you _were_ mine. That I was the luckiest man in the world to have you. But you didn’t want me.”

“Tony, I want you. I’m…” Peter was ashamed that after everything that happened… “I’m still yours. I was _afraid.”_

“You wouldn’t listen to me at all.” That was angrier than Tony wished it had been. He tried to calm his voice, if not his emotions. “I told you so many times… I’ve been through this dozens of times before. They say what they’re going to say for a week or two and then they move onto something else. Old news doesn’t sell.”

“But those one or two weeks…”

“Were something I expected you to be in love with me enough to put up with.” Tony paused. “I was wrong.”

“You weren’t wrong about how much I love you.”

Tony snorted. “But the idea of being seen on my arm as my date… nah… you can’t do that. That’s just too much to be seen with someone like me.”

“None of that changes what happened last night. None of our arguments over this change what you did to me last night.”

Tony sat silent. 

Peter waited a long time before finally speaking. “Did he hurt you again?” he asked one more time. 

“Other than being there? Touching me?” Tony closed his eyes, wincing. “The things he said?” Tony opened his eyes. “No. He didn’t hurt me. I won’t ever give him that chance again.”

Peter shook his head. “You put yourself through that. Let him touch you. Run his fingers through your hair. _Pull_ your hair. Just. To. Hurt. Me.”

Tony was silent again. 

If Peter wanted an apology for what Tony did, none was coming. “You can’t be a decent human being to at least _pretend_ to mean the words ‘I’m sorry’?”

“Do the words mean anything? Or can’t you figure it out.”

“Do I think you’re sorry for what you did? Yeah. I think you hated hurting yourself like that. But hurting me? It’s kind of hard to believe you’re sorry for that. You won. Tony Stark always has to win. That’s more important than anything else. Even me.” 

“Peter… I was… god…” Tony closed his eyes again and took a couple of deep breaths, hoping they would have their desired effect. Barely. “It wasn’t winning. Him hurting me again hurt _so much less_ than you hurting me. If I’d let him take me home, fuck me, and beat the shit out of me, it would’ve still hurt less. Peter, I love you. Do you even understand… what it is… let you in… talk about… And then… **you** … _using_ me…” Tony leaned his head back on the sofa, staring at the ceiling, but through closed eyes. They stayed closed.

Peter slid closer to Tony. He reached down and intertwined their fingers together. “Baby, I never used you. That was the farthest thing from my mind. I… Happy described it. Instead of either of us trying to solve the problem, we dug in and opened fire on each other. I didn’t want to hurt you and I did. You wanted to hurt me back… and you did. I just don’t know…” Peter sighed. “I don’t know if either of us can live with that hurt.”

“I don’t know if I can live without it,” Tony said quietly, muttering to the ceiling, but not letting go of Peter’s hand. 

“I need…” Peter hesitated. “I still love you, Tony. That won’t ever stop. I’m still _in_ love with you. But…” His breath caught and was shaky as he let it out. “I need… I need us to start over. Not from the beginning… I can’t forget what we’ve been to each other. From… before all this happened. All of it. Not just before I became your secretary. From… god Tony… I don’t know…”

Tony slowly opened his eyes and looked at Peter. “From your eighteenth birthday.”

“I’m almost twenty.”

“I know. I’ve waited almost two years. And I…” He sighed. “I want those two years back.”

Peter thought about it. Could they forgive each other’s hurt and start again? God, he wanted to. He was still desperately in love with Tony. And while he might not believe his ‘I’m sorry’, he definitely believed his ‘I love you’. He nodded. “I want those two years back too.”

“I knew I went too far…,” a big admission for Tony, “…I can’t undo the hurt… but I can fix the… damage.”

Peter rolled his eyes. “I am not a PR problem, Tony.”

 _“You_ aren’t. The situation is. Steve is the PR problem. I can solve that problem. Let’s start over with that.” Tony cocked his head to the side, working the problem. “My m.o. for who I take to these things has always been the blonde bimbo. So I switched to a blond himbo that night. Nothing more. A big hunk of pretty muscle with no more of a brain cell in his head than any of the girls had. Certainly not anything I’d ever revisit again. And the media looks bad for making more of it than it was.”

“And my position?”

“I’d had a relapse. It happens. My boyfriend was there to keep me from doing something stupider than I usually do under those circumstances. I was being difficult and he was doing the only thing he could think of until I eventually get my head out of my ass.”

“You have it all worked out.” Peter shook his head. “I am still not a PR problem and our relationship is not an equation you can solve for X.”

“It is if I’m going to erase what happened. Mitigate, not erase. Being a good boyfriend might not be in my skillset, but handling a shitstorm? I should know how. I’ve created enough of the damn things.”

“And we start over?” Peter asked.

“Yes.” Tony looked over at Peter. “I _am_ sorry, Peter.”

Peter rubbed his thumb over the back of Tony’s hand. “I know.”

“Can we go out to dinner?” Tony asked hesitantly. 

Peter smiled softly. “I’d like that. 

“Will you come home?”

Peter considered it. “We never… We never dated. I just hopped into your bed.” He cast his eyes downward and a little smile teased at his lips. “I think I need to be _courted.”_

Tony chucked his finger under Peter’s chin and raised his face. “Oh, Peter,” he said tenderly. “I think you _deserve_ to be courted.”

“Can you… can you _hold_ me a little while before I go out apartment hunting?”

Tony opened his arms and Peter sat across his lap. Peter wrapped his arms tightly around Tony. He buried his face in the man’s neck, breathed in his scent, and clung like a koala to a tree. Tony always felt so solid and so strong. He couldn’t imagine his life without him. He wanted to be more angry than he was. But he understood the whole situation now. Maybe that was better than ‘planting his feet in the ground’ and feeding his anger, no matter how much of a right to be angry he had. The anger, he could let go but the hurt was still there. But so was the love. He hoped this would work. He’d been part of Tony’s private life, now he needed to become part of his public one. And maybe, seeing Tony _work_ for him, want him more than he wanted any of the girls, more than he wanted to hurt himself with Steve… would make the hurt go away.

Tony hesitated before closing his arms around Peter. When he did, he rested his head on the kid’s shoulder, rubbing his back, feeling how good it was to have him in his arms, to have him hold him so tightly. He’d been so hurt and so stupid about it. Neither of them talked about the situation, but him especially. He never sat Peter down and explained how much, and why, what he was doing was hurting him. He talked to Peter about a lot of things, certainly more than he’d ever talked to anyone before. But admitting past hurts that were over and done with, was very different than admitting a hurt that he was feeling right then. And in a classic Tony Stark move, when he was hurt, he turned around to hurt back… worse. Self-destruction, not Edward, was his middle name. 

They just held. Not even kissing. Except Tony occasionally pressing a soft, light kiss to Peter’s shoulder. There was a lot to heal. They’d been tearing at each other for two years. But still enough in love not to break up over it. That was something. If their love could survive two years of almost continuous passive-aggressive fighting, it had to be able to survive the explosion of those years into plain old aggressive fighting. Something new could be built on the site of the wreckage.

“How long,” Tony asked, “do you think you’ll live apart?”

Peter kissed Tony’s neck. “I don’t know. One month? No. Two months. I know the private you. I love the private you so much. But… I want to get to know your _life.”_ He sat back and looked at Tony, caressing his face. “I want to get to know what _our_ life will be.”

“Yeah. I… think we need that. Both of us. I don’t know what _your_ life is either. We had yours and mine, but outside of this house, outside the bedroom, we never had an ‘ours’. So let me rent you a place…”

“I have my salary,” Peter said.

“Yeah, but you’re fired.” Tony smiled. “And no I will _not_ give you a reference. But fine. Pay your rent off of what you’ve earned. Just… keep the card I gave you. I can’t have you become a literal starving student.”

“Oh, I wasn’t planning on giving you your stuff back anymore,” Peter said. “I cried buckets over thinking about giving you back that beautiful inscription that happened to be attached to a ridiculous watch. And it’s not exactly like I have a wardrobe suitable for you taking me out on dates to.” He smiled and paused before running his fingers through Tony’s hair. _Gently, not tugging._ “I still love you. I think we just both need some time to let our hurt heal and remember our love.” 

He leaned forward and kissed Peter lightly on the lips. He fished his phone out of his pocket and tapped a few things. “I’ve sent you three agents who rent executive apartments for Stark. Fully furnished, stocked. You’ll have a hard time finding a regular apartment for just two months. But these are designed for short term rentals.”

Peter kissed Tony back in the same way. “Thank you. I don’t want you to think that this is me cutting you out of my life.”

“No, Pete. I get it. What you’re doing. And I don’t want to cut you out of my life either. You have the key. This is still your home even though you’re renting another. The workshop is still yours to use. But I understand having our relationship to be… different for awhile. We kinda did it in reverse order. Moving in together first, then going to bed together. And we skipped the whole dating part. So we’ll do that in backwards order too.” He tapped on his phone a bit more. “Happy will drive you to look at places, okay?” Peter nodded. 

“I love you, baby,” Tony said. “And I… fuck… more than you know… I’m sorry I hurt you last night. The worst bad idea in a lifetime of bad ideas.” He ran his hand lightly down Peter’s arm. “You’re the only good idea I ever had.”

With one last kiss, Peter climbed off of Tony’s lap. “So… are you taking me to dinner tonight?” He asked as Tony walked him to the elevator.

“Absolutely. You find yourself a place. I’ll have your clothes and things sent over. Then we can have a late dinner date. Reservations for nine? Pick you up at eight? Does that sound good?”

Peter gave Tony a goodbye kiss on the cheek. He smiled. “Pick someplace nice. It’s our first date.”

**Author's Note:**

> My Starker blog on tumblr is [starker-stories](https://starker-stories.tumblr.com/).  
> Come on by and visit.
> 
> * * *
> 
> Yay! One of my infinite WIPs got finished :)  
> Just a one-shot though.


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